Back With Four Teeth Missing

            Four and a half days in isolation.  The only communication I had was with my boyfriend and the little bit of communication my phone could give me.  While I love my boyfriend and love spending time with him, we are both aware that other human interaction is just as important.

            The last time I remember being in isolation was in high school when I had gotten the flu, two years in a row and was out sick for a full week each year.  Since I’ve moved to Massachusetts, I have worked two jobs and I have gone to school.  Isolation was not on a plate of mine.  Even if I were sick, I would have to go to work and still communicate with friends and customers.  Just recently, in December, I quit my second job.  This left me with more time to commit to one job, as well as more time to commit to my boyfriend and friends.  This also made it easier for me to take off of work for medical reasons.           

            Four and a half days ago I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Needless to say, it was the worst pain I have ever felt.  The surgery itself was painless.  I had local anesthesia, knocking me out for only an hour that it took for the surgery itself.

I had been told stories of people who had their wisdom teeth taken out. Some people didn’t have pain afterwards and could eat solid food right away. Others had pain, but had medication that could cure it, if only temporarily. And then other people had complications.  But with the end of each story I heard, I was told that they had medication to help ease the pain and make the recovery tolerable.  To me, this didn’t sound like such a bad deal. Sure, I go in, get my wisdom teeth out, have to drink liquids for a while, and have five days off of work.  To me, that sounded like a wonderful plan.  That was until I realized that I was having a reaction to the medication prescribed to me.

I realized that this recovery was not going to be a beautiful vacation that I needed/wanted.  This recovery was going to be painful. I couldn’t speak, I felt every joint and muscle movement in my mouth, and I wasn’t going to be high on medication to forget what was going on.  Tears were shed; I’m not ashamed to say that.  But with tears only came running noses and sore throats.  And one of the most important things you’re told when getting your wisdom teeth out is to not blow your nose.  However, this is easier said than done when your nose is running.

But I made it through, slowly and painfully, with one person fully by my side.  I cannot possibly show how much it meant to have my boyfriend there the entire time.  It sure wasn’t a pretty sight.

However coming out of isolation is the weirdest part.  I am not fully satisfied going out when my face is still swollen and I cannot smile properly.  And it takes me longer to respond to a quick question if I haven’t been speaking, then it normally would.  This causes awkwardness, hopefully just for me.

I ran to the drugstore today to pick up some things.  It was the first time I had seen sunlight since I was brought home from surgery, half dazed.  First time I had human contact since then as well.  Every employee asked me a question and I only had a reaction time to answer one of them. This all happened before I made it to the register. Then at the register the employee proceeded to ask me about five different questions.

When I finally left the store, I realized how lucky I was to have the ability to speak.  I have all of my senses and they work perfectly.  I hadn’t realized how difficult it would be when one of the most important things is disabled.  It will take time to be able to talk correctly and be able to eat whatever solid foods I want.   And it won’t be a fun journey.  But I am just lucky that at the end of the recovery, I still can do all of these things, and well. 

It's over. Can you be happy?

I am a believer in certain people coming into your life for a specific reason and a certain amount of time.  Whether this time period is a day, a month, years, or even your entire life.  They were placed into your life to make a positive difference even if the experience isn't positive the entire time.

Throughout my life I have had many best friends.  Some I've had since I was very young and some that have recently entered my life.  I don't use the term best friend lightly either.  But I also don't believe a best friend is someone who will necessarily be with you your entire life.  They could just be someone who you needed in that moment and was everything you could ever ask for.

I have a best friend who I've been friends with since I was three or four.  While we aren't as close as we used to be I consider her family and would do anything for her.  I know that she would do the same.  I know that she will always be in my life no matter what.  And even though we have our own lives and different paths, our friendship will always remain.  I also have friends from middle school to high school that were everything I needed, until I moved to college.  And time and distance got in the way.

I am not saddened by these experiences.  And I don't believe that many people should be.  There are reasons that we date and break up with people.  But usually breakup should lead to a positive.  With each breakup and lost friend because of distance we should look at the experience and see what we want again from those relationships and what we would change.  Having these friendships make us grow and change.  I believe they are a major aspect of our maturity. Without these experiences we may be naive to life around us.

A couple of a years ago I was in a destructive relationship with a friend and a "hook-up," I suppose would be the best way to describe him.  These experiences sent me on a turmoil downwards.  But because of these experiences I was able to start over.  I moved to a new state, created new friends and met my amazing boyfriend.  So even though I had reached the lowest point in my life with the help of these two people, I still wouldn't change anything because I believe they were meant to be in my life and help the process along.

It has taken me a while to get to this frame of mind and I think that many people need a reminder that if one person leaves, another person will most likely enter.  Sometimes when someone leaves we think we will never find someone as great as them or someone who could ever fill the void.  We usually do though even if it takes sometime.  I hope to be a form of insight for people who need to hear this, or believe it themselves, but possibly have forgotten momentarily.

But I do believe everything happens for a reason, and this is just one aspect of that belief.

Have I Told You How Much I Love Purchase?

            While I have already blogged today and should be writing an essay on Zora Neale Hurston, I decided that I was going to write for pleasure instead.  It has been a while and it was definitely needed. One week from today I will step foot onto my old campus ground.  I can't help but think about my reactions and how it will be that hopefully gorgeous, sunny day.

             She drove into the familiar entrance.  The sign greeting you into the destination, the giant sculpture placed directly in front of you.  A fork became of the road, asking if she wanted to turn left or right.  Her home for a year and a half was always the right turn, around a small bend.  She would pass the lit soccer field and the tennis courts before coming to a parking lot filled with cars – visitors and residents.  Today though marked a year and five months since she had stepped foot, and even drove onto this campus.  The campus that she adored and once called her happy place.  Today she would be turning left.  Turning left also had two options.  Option one was to go around the bend with the view of the green woods and the beautiful elephant tree she frequented when she was stressed.  Or option two, straight through campus.  After her first left she would take a direct right.  Down that road that contained multiple speed bumps and she would pass the tree that had her name engraved in it.  Starbucks would be on her right, which held late night fuel and early morning breakfasts and further down the road would contain her old dorm.  The building that changed everything.  Directly across from that, on her left would be the counseling center.  The building that had started to fix her broken mind, before gripping it tightly and smashing it into tiny pieces.

            The familiar road began to present apartment complexes and she remembered the various nights of driving late at night up this road and to the left to drop of her older friends, the ones who were allowed to live in the apartments.  She would have lived there this year, however that is if everything hadn’t changed and she had gone on living her life as a ghost.

            However as the ghost, she had made friends.  And with the reconnection with them, she knew she needed to visit this place once more. She needed to be reminded of why she loved to live here.  And why she had made these friends in the first place.  But most of all, she needed to finally close the chapter in her life.  The timid, self-conscious, brown-haired girl needed to show herself that her life was better.  Much better than it ever would be here in this place.  The place that was often described to her mother as being “her favorite place.”  Conversations to her Mom often started with, “Have I told you how much I love Purchase?”

            She held so much pride for her school, that the sudden attack and the sudden mood change, well to everyone surrounding her came as such a shock.  To herself, she knew it was happening.  And to her best friend, Becky, she knew as well.  But everyone else was oblivious.  And of course this wasn’t their fault.  She would have never given much indication that this place wasn’t for her.  And that she needed more help than she was receiving.

            Why would she though?  Why wouldn’t she ask for help if she needed it?  The answer is because she would be asking for help.  That is precisely the problem.

            It had been hard enough to ask for help that one afternoon in the middle of October, her first year there.  She had only been a month and a half into her studies when she knew something needed to change. She couldn’t go on living the way she was.  Trying again and again for something that wouldn’t change without time and help.  She was given “the best they had.”  While the girl was excited about this because she felt the sense of hope, it was even harder to walk into the basement of that building mirroring hers.  Passed the police station on her left and down the long hallway.  It was silent.  And the silence was deafening.  She wasn’t sure how this would work.  Where she should go and how she should act.  The girl had never done something like this and she wasn’t one for doing something new, especially alone.  But this was something that no friend could do with her.  Or no friend she would want to do with her.

            The memories are vivid and will remain locked away in her head.  These aren’t memories that she will try and forget.  While the pain was difficult, it was special pain and process.  Without the pain, the healing would not and could not begin.

            As she drives further towards the music building, a right onto the loop passed the apartment complexes; she starts to feel the nerves in her stomach.  So much has changed.  So much as happened.  Would everything be the same?  Would she be able to talk to her friends and start off where they stopped? Would he be there?  Or better yet, would she be there?  And of course there was her savior, and her strength missing.  She was back home in Buffalo, creating a better life for herself as well.

            This was the moment.  This was the beginning to the end.  However, she wasn’t doing this alone.  She couldn’t do this alone.  Not without him.  Not without her new strength.  She placed her hand on his thigh and squeezed it.  As he grasped it and interlaced their fingers, the girl let out a breath.  She was sure she could handle this.  She had to.  For herself. 

She parked the car in the lot in front of the music building.  This is the place it had all began, from orientation, to fundraisers, to late night grocery shopping, all the way to the special diner that her and her friends went to when things were rough.  As she turned off the car, she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply before letting her breath out. When her eyes opened, she rejoined in the beauty.  The freshly blossomed trees, the terrible brown architecture, the bright green grass of the soccer field and the students walking all to different destinations.           

It was now or never.  It was time to see her friend perform in his senior recital.

Oh, how the time passed so quickly.

Finding Pure Happiness

There comes a time in your life when you need to start doing something.  Whether that means you chase after old habits or you begin to create new habits.   Either way it is this itching urge that will not stop until it is satisfied.

Currently in my household that feeling is floating through the air, almost suffocating my boyfriend and I.  As a former soccer player in Germany, he is itching to be back on the field.  But with the stresses of school and a limited schedule weighing him down, it becomes exceedingly difficult.  Not to mention, the United States fails to have decent teams for anyone between the ages of 18-29.

For myself, I am unhappy with the fact that I have stopped writing for pleasure and feel as if I have started to gain weight.  I'm trying to find the clear balance between work, school, and my personal life.  As Eric, my boyfriend, and I go through this journey together, it seems to become easier to find the time.  I can only speak for myself, when he feels motivated, I feel the motivation too.  I can only hope I do the same for him.

I started doing private lessons in Yoga only last week.  I've had two sessions with a friend of mine so far and the inspiration has already captured me.  I feel a difference and I feel a change.  I am slowly moving towards a healthy and happier life.

Even the thought of changing my diet to better fit our needs has been in the works.  We have taken a step back from our lives and looked in.  Changes that have dramatic effects can be simple, you just have to have the will.

While things start to fall into place around me, I can only sit back and smile. Because I know that currently it isn't tiny things that are happy here and there.  My entire life has happy aspects to it.  I cannot wait to share them here and my adventure  towards complete happiness.

It all starts with one thing.  If you are unhappy with something -- change it.