Moving Out and Moving In

            Boxes are scattered, labeled his and hers.  Some are big and some are small. Newspapers are destroyed and crinkled between fragile items.  She blows back her hair as she glances around.  It feels like it’s been hours and it all looks the same.  Hours are counting down and the pressure turns on.  Only 48 hours to go before she can leave this place for good.  As her eyes scan the room, she smiles at the misery.  While this place looks like hell now, heaven awaits only hours away.  There will be no ants, no mold, and a refrigerator that works properly.  There will be a porch to read silently on warm summer nights and an island in the kitchen to prepared meals and desserts.  This place she stands in, surrounded by boxes, holds rarely any great, outstanding memories.  While they considered it home for almost five months, it only came with complaints and disappointments.  In a few short hours, a place she could only dream about will be here to rent. Their own sanctuary for an entire year.  The bills, however, are more expensive and she has been stressed, but when her feet walk through the doorway each day she knows it’ll all be worth it.

            Goodbye sad town and goodbye neighbors she never wanted to know.  Farewell old apartment she will never miss.

            Hello new apartment in a town with historic importance. She says, hello to happy neighbors that she cannot wait to know. 

How My Light Turned Back On

I was introduced to Carrie Hope Fletcher around the end of November, beginning of December by Eric, who is an avid youtuber.  I was not only introduced to this wonderful girl, but also introduced to this entire world inside of the Internet.  Before meeting Eric, I only used YouTube to look up music videos or to listen to music by different artists.  I didn't realize the careers people had on YouTube and all of the vlogging that was currently happening.  Because I have been introduced to this world, I have learned a significant amount that I never thought I would have.  There is educational information as well as advice from many of the people that Eric religiously follows and I have started to follow as well.

A few weeks after Eric and I had met, he showed me this video, Turning On The Light by Carrie Hope Fletcher.  This was my first introduction.  At first I wasn't sure of what to make of this world.  But he prefaced that this is how he felt after he met me.  As I continued to watch this video, I realized that I could connect so much to Carrie.  After all, we were similar in age and were having the same struggles.    Of course, after this video, I went out to buy the book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, which I read religiously until I finished it.  I had the same emotion to the scene in the book on page 56, which states, "She knows who she is.  She just for got for a little while."  It only started three years ago when I really had started to forget who I was and where I was going. When I moved to Massachusetts in February of 2012, I started to find myself again.  I was able to start over.  With the memories and experiences of my past, but with new people who I could decide how they got to know me.  I was able to recreate the story of my twenties.  And it wasn't until I officially met Eric in October 2012, that my light was turned back on.  Everything all of a sudden made sense again.

Now, many months later, I still watch all of her videos and was reminded of this one again recently.  That each day, no matter the struggle, I still wake up knowing where I am going. Some days the road may be foggy, but at the end of the day I know where I'll be in a year and what I need to accomplish in order to get there.  And the best part of all of this is that my path isn't set in stone and I'm not positive of exactly where I want my life to end up.  But I know what I want to experience in the next couple of years and I know how to go about getting those experiences.

It is a shame that life moves so fast.  All of us are in a rush to grow up and start our lives.  And when we have the excitement and motivation for this, everything is great...until it isn't.  With the rushing, if one thing steps in our way, we fall ten steps back instead of accepting the struggle and moving forward.  Today there is such a need of knowing all of the steps of where we need to be and what we need to do. But why can't we just sit back and enjoy the ride a little bit?  Step back from our rushing, figure out who is important to us and figure out slowly, but confidently where we want to be for ourselves and not the world.

Because we all lose ourselves every once in a while, but it is so significant to find that person, or group of people who can be there to motivate and help you flip the switch and get you back on track.

Thank you, Carrie Hope Fletcher and Donald Miller for helping me recognize how to create my own great story.

Exhausted...with myself?

            It has been a while since I have last updated this blog.  To be honest, I couldn’t even tell you why.  The semester ended over a week ago and I have had more time to myself.  But it is possible that my discipline wasn’t put in place to have more time.  However, my summer semester is about to start and a schedule is about to be put into place.  I have so many goals to complete this summer that it would be a shame to see the days pass by without doing anything about it.

            Over the next three months, I will be starting something new on this blog, I will be moving to a different town and apartment, I will be taking two online courses, and I will be continuing to work.  On top of this, I have already created my summer reading list that doesn’t include just my studies.

            However, in order to do all of this, I have to learn how to step outside of my head and start living in the real world.  My last entry was about my own confidence faltering.  About not being good enough compared to the people around me, including my own boyfriend.  As I have stepped away from those negative feelings for the time being and hopefully permanently, I have realized something new.  Exhaustion has haunted me.

            The other morning, I was at work, setting up the store before we opened and I realized how exhausted I was.  Given, it was 4:30am.  However, I was quick to realize it wasn’t just the exhaustion of not sleeping well the night before, but that I was exhausted of talking.  I didn’t want to tell everyone things over and over again.  I didn’t want to repeat the process of complaining that something wasn’t happening or was happening.  I just wanted everything to settle down and just be.   Some things just cannot be changed.  But as I was thinking about all of this, I realized this wasn’t happening in the present world with human interaction.  Sure, some of it was, we cannot avoid it.  But a majority of my frustrations were coming from inside of me.  My inner conflicts. 

            I was baffled by the idea that I was exhausted with my own being.  I was exhausted with the inner debates inside of my head and the frustrations that I was feeling with myself and no one else.  I hadn’t realized all of the talking that was going on inside of my head and how much it was affecting the life that I was living currently. It made me realize that I have full conversations in my head and plan out every little thing that I say.  This makes real conversations difficult because they have to happen in a very similar way and setting.  It takes a while for me to have serious discussion because of this factor because while I am debating every possible scenario in my head, I am distancing myself from that person I need to be having a discussion with.

            But I need to learn how to work through my social anxiety and just out right talk to people and have discussions with those people before my head has a chance to analyze every last bit of information.  This will not only leave me with more energy, but hopefully benefit me in the new place that I am living.  Because in a few weeks, I should be in a new apartment complex, with a new community and new opportunities that I cannot let get away from me.  The catch is that I will be in this new place by myself because Eric will be away for seven weeks come July.  My anxiety will soon be tested.  Hopefully for the best.

Searching For Universities as Well as Peace

I often have a sense that what I am doing isn’t good enough.  What I know, isn’t intelligent enough.  And what I want to do, isn’t smart enough.

As my long awaited associates degree is coming to a close, I have to ask myself, what have I accomplished?  Am I studying what I want?  Am I where I want to be?

Lately the answer has been like a seesaw. Some days I know exactly where I am going and where I want to be.  Other days I am at a complete loss.  Since I started college in 2010, I have changed my major a couple of times, all of the decisions involving writing somehow.  But as I talk to my friends and see everyone starting to graduate with bachelors and even some go of to graduate school, I wonder to myself where my career is actually taking me.           

Because I started at one university then moved to a different state to transfer to a community college, my college years haven’t added up like they should have.  A majority of my friends have one year left until they are either done with college forever, or are advancing to graduate school.  For myself, I have one more year of my associates and then two to three years of my bachelors.  While I have (almost) accepted the fact that I am not on the college track I had once anticipated, I still feel as if my major is unworthy of some sort.  Basically looked down upon, I suppose.

For the past few weeks, my boyfriend, Eric, and I have been discussing where we plan to attend school for our bachelor’s degrees.  Because he is a year younger, he is graduating at the same time as me.  While our plans involve us still being together, we are trying to find a location with schools for the both of us.  This has been proven difficult considering he is going into Pre-Med and I want to go into Creative Writing.  To make matters more difficult, because our journey may lead us to leave the country, my major becomes less relevant, yet while for him, his major becomes more relevant.  While I am incredibly happy for him, it becomes disheartening for me.  Sometimes I feel as if I will just be settling or following in his footsteps.  It feels almost as if my career doesn’t matter as much as it should.  And I know these are my own thoughts haunting me.  And I know that I am continuously beating myself up over it. But sometimes the voices in my head are so strong; they are just begging to be heard. 

How can I believe in my own strengths and my own career path, when I often feel that people don't fully believe in me?  But I suppose the same goes for them.  How can they believe in me, if I cannot even believe in myself?

I hate that society has set these standards for school that everyone should follow.  Get your associates in two years, bachelors two years after that and then head off to Graduate school.  I suppose the next few weeks will be spent focusing on how to be happy with what I have ahead of me.  Because let's face it, nothing can be changed about the past.

Rainy Day Fun

Decided to begin participating in Free Write Fridays with Kellie Elmore!

The rain hit the pavement with such force that droplets splashed up before beginning to fall once again onto the already wet pavement.  The ground was completely soaked and surrounded with puddles where the pavement began to erode.  The rain lasted for minutes upon hours to even days. Surely when the sun finally won against the angry clouds, there would be a beautiful rainbow from the relection off of the pavement.  But there was no sign of the sun.  Nor was there sign of life outside.

This wasn't rain that people could run errands in.  This wasn't the kind of rain that the children wanted to run in and splash in the puddles.  This was the kind of rain where you hoped your electricity didn't go out so you could read your favorite book against the glass window.  The feeling of the cool air outside mixing with the heat from inside.  You could rest your cheek against the already fogged window and leave an imprint of your adventures that your eyes read and your mind processed.

This was the kind of rain that was perfect for baking. Perfect for making even the simplest baked good:   chocolate chip cookies.  Placing all of the ingredients into a giant bowl.  Perfect for mixing and nibbling.  Sharing the dough with roommates, a loved one, children or just yourself. Once in the oven, the smell will float through the entire house and warm each and every person trapped inside.  The smell will invite the stubborn teenagers out of their bedrooms and the men off of their recliners.  The smell will bring all of the family and friends together to enjoy freshly baked cookies with a nice cold glass of milk.

This was the kind of rain to bring everyone together.  To have everyone stop their usual routine and sit back and reflect.  This was the kind of rain that once the sun slowly began to rise, everyone smiled.  Not just because they could finally begin their routine again, but because something happened in that house. Something that is exclusive to that family only.  Something rare and needed.

Back With Four Teeth Missing

            Four and a half days in isolation.  The only communication I had was with my boyfriend and the little bit of communication my phone could give me.  While I love my boyfriend and love spending time with him, we are both aware that other human interaction is just as important.

            The last time I remember being in isolation was in high school when I had gotten the flu, two years in a row and was out sick for a full week each year.  Since I’ve moved to Massachusetts, I have worked two jobs and I have gone to school.  Isolation was not on a plate of mine.  Even if I were sick, I would have to go to work and still communicate with friends and customers.  Just recently, in December, I quit my second job.  This left me with more time to commit to one job, as well as more time to commit to my boyfriend and friends.  This also made it easier for me to take off of work for medical reasons.           

            Four and a half days ago I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Needless to say, it was the worst pain I have ever felt.  The surgery itself was painless.  I had local anesthesia, knocking me out for only an hour that it took for the surgery itself.

I had been told stories of people who had their wisdom teeth taken out. Some people didn’t have pain afterwards and could eat solid food right away. Others had pain, but had medication that could cure it, if only temporarily. And then other people had complications.  But with the end of each story I heard, I was told that they had medication to help ease the pain and make the recovery tolerable.  To me, this didn’t sound like such a bad deal. Sure, I go in, get my wisdom teeth out, have to drink liquids for a while, and have five days off of work.  To me, that sounded like a wonderful plan.  That was until I realized that I was having a reaction to the medication prescribed to me.

I realized that this recovery was not going to be a beautiful vacation that I needed/wanted.  This recovery was going to be painful. I couldn’t speak, I felt every joint and muscle movement in my mouth, and I wasn’t going to be high on medication to forget what was going on.  Tears were shed; I’m not ashamed to say that.  But with tears only came running noses and sore throats.  And one of the most important things you’re told when getting your wisdom teeth out is to not blow your nose.  However, this is easier said than done when your nose is running.

But I made it through, slowly and painfully, with one person fully by my side.  I cannot possibly show how much it meant to have my boyfriend there the entire time.  It sure wasn’t a pretty sight.

However coming out of isolation is the weirdest part.  I am not fully satisfied going out when my face is still swollen and I cannot smile properly.  And it takes me longer to respond to a quick question if I haven’t been speaking, then it normally would.  This causes awkwardness, hopefully just for me.

I ran to the drugstore today to pick up some things.  It was the first time I had seen sunlight since I was brought home from surgery, half dazed.  First time I had human contact since then as well.  Every employee asked me a question and I only had a reaction time to answer one of them. This all happened before I made it to the register. Then at the register the employee proceeded to ask me about five different questions.

When I finally left the store, I realized how lucky I was to have the ability to speak.  I have all of my senses and they work perfectly.  I hadn’t realized how difficult it would be when one of the most important things is disabled.  It will take time to be able to talk correctly and be able to eat whatever solid foods I want.   And it won’t be a fun journey.  But I am just lucky that at the end of the recovery, I still can do all of these things, and well. 

It's over. Can you be happy?

I am a believer in certain people coming into your life for a specific reason and a certain amount of time.  Whether this time period is a day, a month, years, or even your entire life.  They were placed into your life to make a positive difference even if the experience isn't positive the entire time.

Throughout my life I have had many best friends.  Some I've had since I was very young and some that have recently entered my life.  I don't use the term best friend lightly either.  But I also don't believe a best friend is someone who will necessarily be with you your entire life.  They could just be someone who you needed in that moment and was everything you could ever ask for.

I have a best friend who I've been friends with since I was three or four.  While we aren't as close as we used to be I consider her family and would do anything for her.  I know that she would do the same.  I know that she will always be in my life no matter what.  And even though we have our own lives and different paths, our friendship will always remain.  I also have friends from middle school to high school that were everything I needed, until I moved to college.  And time and distance got in the way.

I am not saddened by these experiences.  And I don't believe that many people should be.  There are reasons that we date and break up with people.  But usually breakup should lead to a positive.  With each breakup and lost friend because of distance we should look at the experience and see what we want again from those relationships and what we would change.  Having these friendships make us grow and change.  I believe they are a major aspect of our maturity. Without these experiences we may be naive to life around us.

A couple of a years ago I was in a destructive relationship with a friend and a "hook-up," I suppose would be the best way to describe him.  These experiences sent me on a turmoil downwards.  But because of these experiences I was able to start over.  I moved to a new state, created new friends and met my amazing boyfriend.  So even though I had reached the lowest point in my life with the help of these two people, I still wouldn't change anything because I believe they were meant to be in my life and help the process along.

It has taken me a while to get to this frame of mind and I think that many people need a reminder that if one person leaves, another person will most likely enter.  Sometimes when someone leaves we think we will never find someone as great as them or someone who could ever fill the void.  We usually do though even if it takes sometime.  I hope to be a form of insight for people who need to hear this, or believe it themselves, but possibly have forgotten momentarily.

But I do believe everything happens for a reason, and this is just one aspect of that belief.