Searching For Universities as Well as Peace

I often have a sense that what I am doing isn’t good enough.  What I know, isn’t intelligent enough.  And what I want to do, isn’t smart enough.

As my long awaited associates degree is coming to a close, I have to ask myself, what have I accomplished?  Am I studying what I want?  Am I where I want to be?

Lately the answer has been like a seesaw. Some days I know exactly where I am going and where I want to be.  Other days I am at a complete loss.  Since I started college in 2010, I have changed my major a couple of times, all of the decisions involving writing somehow.  But as I talk to my friends and see everyone starting to graduate with bachelors and even some go of to graduate school, I wonder to myself where my career is actually taking me.           

Because I started at one university then moved to a different state to transfer to a community college, my college years haven’t added up like they should have.  A majority of my friends have one year left until they are either done with college forever, or are advancing to graduate school.  For myself, I have one more year of my associates and then two to three years of my bachelors.  While I have (almost) accepted the fact that I am not on the college track I had once anticipated, I still feel as if my major is unworthy of some sort.  Basically looked down upon, I suppose.

For the past few weeks, my boyfriend, Eric, and I have been discussing where we plan to attend school for our bachelor’s degrees.  Because he is a year younger, he is graduating at the same time as me.  While our plans involve us still being together, we are trying to find a location with schools for the both of us.  This has been proven difficult considering he is going into Pre-Med and I want to go into Creative Writing.  To make matters more difficult, because our journey may lead us to leave the country, my major becomes less relevant, yet while for him, his major becomes more relevant.  While I am incredibly happy for him, it becomes disheartening for me.  Sometimes I feel as if I will just be settling or following in his footsteps.  It feels almost as if my career doesn’t matter as much as it should.  And I know these are my own thoughts haunting me.  And I know that I am continuously beating myself up over it. But sometimes the voices in my head are so strong; they are just begging to be heard. 

How can I believe in my own strengths and my own career path, when I often feel that people don't fully believe in me?  But I suppose the same goes for them.  How can they believe in me, if I cannot even believe in myself?

I hate that society has set these standards for school that everyone should follow.  Get your associates in two years, bachelors two years after that and then head off to Graduate school.  I suppose the next few weeks will be spent focusing on how to be happy with what I have ahead of me.  Because let's face it, nothing can be changed about the past.