It has been a while since I have last updated this
blog. To be honest, I couldn’t
even tell you why. The semester
ended over a week ago and I have had more time to myself. But it is possible that my discipline
wasn’t put in place to have more time.
However, my summer semester is about to start and a schedule is about to
be put into place. I have so many
goals to complete this summer that it would be a shame to see the days pass by
without doing anything about it.
Over
the next three months, I will be starting something new on this blog, I will be
moving to a different town and apartment, I will be taking two online courses,
and I will be continuing to work.
On top of this, I have already created my summer reading list that
doesn’t include just my studies.
However, in order to do all of this, I have to learn how to step outside of my head and
start living in the real world. My
last entry was about my own confidence faltering. About not being good enough compared to the people around
me, including my own boyfriend. As
I have stepped away from those negative feelings for the time being and
hopefully permanently, I have realized something new. Exhaustion has haunted me.
The
other morning, I was at work, setting up the store before we opened and I realized
how exhausted I was. Given, it was
4:30am. However, I was quick to
realize it wasn’t just the exhaustion of not sleeping well the night before,
but that I was exhausted of talking.
I didn’t want to tell everyone things over and over again. I didn’t want to repeat the process of
complaining that something wasn’t happening or was happening. I just wanted everything to settle down
and just be. Some things
just cannot be changed. But as I
was thinking about all of this, I realized this wasn’t happening in the present
world with human interaction.
Sure, some of it was, we cannot avoid it. But a majority of my frustrations were coming from inside of
me. My inner conflicts.
I
was baffled by the idea that I was exhausted with my own being. I was exhausted with the inner debates
inside of my head and the frustrations that I was feeling with myself and no
one else. I hadn’t realized all of
the talking that was going on inside of my head and how much it was affecting
the life that I was living currently. It made me realize that I have full
conversations in my head and plan out every little thing that I say. This makes real conversations difficult
because they have to happen in a very similar way and setting. It takes a while for me to have serious
discussion because of this factor because while I am debating every possible
scenario in my head, I am distancing myself from that person I need to be
having a discussion with.
But
I need to learn how to work through my social anxiety and just out right talk
to people and have discussions with those people before my head has a chance to
analyze every last bit of information.
This will not only leave me with more energy, but hopefully benefit me
in the new place that I am living.
Because in a few weeks, I should be in a new apartment complex, with a
new community and new opportunities that I cannot let get away from me. The catch is that I will be in this new
place by myself because Eric will be away for seven weeks come July. My anxiety will soon be tested. Hopefully for the best.
No comments:
Post a Comment